Fortune
by Rowana S
Summary: Neal begins to worry when Kel doesn't send word for two months, and enlists his band of merry friends to help him on his quest to find and rescue her, as you do. The trouble all starts when they run into a fortune teller... Light fluff and bad humour.
1. Of Women and Worries

I hope all readers will forgive this humble author if this birthday present isn't very good. I had to write this in a very short space of time when Jess reminded me that her birthday was fast approaching and what was I going to give her? So, for you Jess, happy birthday. May you live long and happy to celebrate with more Kel/Neal fluff every year. Enjoy, and remember, it's the thought that counts.

* * *

How to begin? It all started about…six months ago, with the argument of the decade, no I understate, the century. 

I won't go into that too much since you know the details, except to say for the benefit of any others reading this, that it involved a tub of hair dye, a batch of eggs, and severe humiliation.

One minute she was laughing, the next she was crying. Or so it seemed to _me_ anyway. _You_ Kel, later informed me that I should have _known_ that she'd be upset about the Emperor's assassination. You said that there were _signs_ that she'd been unhappy. To which I replied with a delicate snort.

Seriously Kel, what am I? Telepathic? Omniscient? Despite the fact that I boast a fan club who think that I am second only to Mithros, I have to break it to you – I'm not. Well, maybe third or fourth…but you get the point. And 'signs'? Have you ever tried to read a Yamani Kel? Well…actually, don't answer that. And yes, I know that I can usually tell what's going on behind your stoic I-am-a-calm-lake-on-a-summers-day face, but that's different. That's _you_.

Anyway, as I was saying, I hadn't realised that Yuki had been brought up to regard the Emperor almost like a God. I didn't know. So when I suddenly realised half way through a comfortable kiss that she was crying and her wet cheeks were sliding down to bury themselves in my chest, I just…I didn't know what to do. I suppose I should have held her and murmured soothing words in ear, but…I confronted her instead. Asked her what was wrong…she glared at me. Told me that if I didn't know, she wasn't going to tell me. I pointed out that she was being unreasonable and she began to list times and events when I'd said or done things which _she'd _seen as unreasonable. And so it went on.

Suffice to say, Yuki and I in the togetherness sense didn't last much longer. A week later, it was no longer _Neal-n-Yuki_, but _Neal _and _Yuki_.

Nealan of Queenscove was a bachelor again. The palace went mad. Oh all right, the _palace_ didn't go mad, but many women did. So what if most of them were 12 years old? And yes, there were many more appropriately aged men who were excited at Yuki's being single, but again, that isn't the point. I'm trying to set the scene here.

So…there I was, hurt, wounded, alone. All right, all right, no more exaggerating. To tell you the truth, I was bored more than anything. I missed Yuki only slightly, and it was mostly just her presence that I missed, the feeling of a warm body lying in bed next to me, not Yuki specifically.

When I was sitting in the mess, surrounded by friends who prattled on about their fiancées and wives, or when I ended up sparring with Seaver or Fal and Iden and Warric would look on, calling advice and sounding just like you, I'd wish that you were _there_, with _me_, with _us_. Your friends. Where you were meant to be.

These musings, quite naturally, made me wonder where exactly you were. You hadn't been seen for months. Your last letter, I recalled, hadn't been for two months. I mentioned this to Roald in the mess one day. He chewed considering it over his food.

"She _is_ on her holidays." He reminded me, mouth full. I stared pointedly.

"When did you last get a letter from her?"

"Two months ago" He conceded, swallowing.

"It's the same with everyone else I've asked. Can you see Kel not sending any of her friends a letter for two months?"

He sighed and shook his head.

"There you go then." I told him smugly, biting into some broccoli.

We ate in silence for a few moments.

"Where was she heading?" He asked. I shrugged.

"Somewhere in Yaman." I suddenly remember reports of huge numbers of bandits roaming the hills over there.

"You don't think-" I asked suddenly, my mind filling with horrific possibilities.

"No, I do not." Roald cut in firmly, reading my mind. "Kel's a big girl Neal, she can take care of herself."

"She's only twenty"

"Twenty-one" He reminded me gently. "The best thing we can do is send word over there, to check if she's all right."

"That could take weeks!" I told him incredulously.

"Daine would be happy to oblige, I'm sure…"

I scowled and pushed myself up abruptly, drawing a few stares. I began to stalk off.

"Neal!" Roald yelled after me, "Neal! She won't thank us for going after her!"

I hadn't missed the '_us'_. Perhaps there _was _a chance. I hesitated for a brief second, before shaking my head and continuing to walk away. Three…two…one…

"Neal! All right!"

Yes! I waited considerately for him to catch up.

"You'll come with me then?" I asked. He hesitated.

"Neal, I have duties here…I-"

"You have friends." I told him curtly, "And Kel is one of them."

I paused. He still looked doubtful.

"She'd do it for you." I informed him, eyebrow raised. That seemed to cinch it. He sighed and told me he'd be at my rooms the next day, ready to leave. I smiled, as if I'd expected nothing less, and wandered off to have a little…_talk_ with Fal.

---

The next day dawned bright and beautiful. I woke and stretched with the sun shining brightly through the window. The prospect of a new adventure warmed me, and I ignored the pangs of worry on your behalf, as they were painful and pointless, and would only serve to distract me from the task of finding you.

Trying to ignore the still niggling feelings of guilt that I hadn't thought of you sooner, slight anger that I'd had to have my own happiness offset before I thought of yours. I got dressed and padded over to open my door, ready to saunter down to the mess for breakfast before setting off…

Ah

I opened the door only to be greeted by an array of faces. None of them looked very happy.

"Hey guys." I yawned, leaning against the doorframe. "My, you're up early."

Fal gave a short growl but Merric put a hand on his arm, holding him back.

"Don't." he told Fal. "I want to kill him myself. _Slowly_."

"Neal." Seaver pushed forward, "Care to explain these?"

He held out a bundle of stretched, damp rubber. The remnants of several water balloons. I tried and failed to hold back a smirk at the thought of how I'd set them up to get the worry out of my system. Fal growled again.

"Yeah, I'm with you this time." Merric said, taking a step forward. I held my hands up and backed away.

"Hey, come on." I pleaded fruitlessly. "I was just doing my duty. You'd have slept 'til noon if I hadn't set those."

"They woke me up at four am." Roald remarked, falling in step behind Merric. I kept retreating. "It's six now."

"I wanted to leave plenty of time for you to get ready." I told them innocently. They were all advancing now, armed with menacing looks and…oh crap, I thought as Iden brought from behind his back a large, creamy _pie_. My back hit the wall. There was no escape. Time to play the trump card.

"Guys, remember Kel? The one we're doing this for? She wouldn't like it if you pied me. Think of the mess…we're meant to be setting off on a quest…guys…please?"

A second later, everything went white.

---

"It was uneven odds." I argued as I wiped more pie off my face. "There were about ten of you against one of me."

"There's eight of us Neal." Roald informed me solemnly.

"And it felt so good." Fal said, grinning.

Revenge is sweet." Seaver agreed, passing me his handkerchief. I accepted it without so much as a haughty sniff and began to clean out my ears, stowing my own soaked rag away in a saddlebag.

There we were. Tortall's finest. Off on a perilous quest to rescue a damsel in distress. Or something like that. We were currently riding the dusty road to the west coast, planning to catch a ship to Yaman.

The ride was fairly uneventful. True, it involved an episode with a hornet's nest, us stumbling across a camp of gay bandits (Fal has sworn me to secrecy about what happened when he was mistaken for one of them because of his pink tunic) and that memorable time when we woke up to find our horses pinched.

But _apart_ from all that, the trip was fairly uneventful. Compared to that one time we decided to head south on a joint holiday last year…yeah, _that_ one. I won't talk about that.

Anyway. We woke, a few miles away from the port town on a sunny morning, and crawled out of our tents, bleary eyed and in need of coffee, only to find that Owen, chipper and happy, was using the saucepan for _tea_. The cheek of some people.

He grinned when he saw us.

"The creatures of the night are emerging." He said happily, "I've already walked to town and back."

This earned him a load of dirty looks. He avoided them and began to pouring cups of tea. We snatched them eagerly.

"I've got news that'll cheer you up." He said, watching us with condescending amusement. "The fair's in town."

We stared at him blankly. He looked eagerly back. "Fairs?" he asked us, " Candy floss, hot dogs?"

More blank looks.

"Strolls…relaxation?"

And again. Owen rolled his eyes.

"The chance to replenish our supplies?"

Our faces cleared.

"Let me guess." Merric said wryly. "You want to stop and rest for the day? It isn't enough for you that we've left the peace negotiations, and taken the Crown Prince with us on a journey to help someone who probably doesn't need saving-"

"We don't know that." I cut him off. He ignored me and continued.

"For the sake of a bit of peace and quiet for ourselves, but now you want to waste more time and stop at a _fair_."

Owen nodded belatedly. Merric sighed.

"There's no arguing with such solid logic." Fal told him, smiling, "You might as well just accept it."

Merric cursed under his breath and went off to shave.

--

So, that was how we found ourselves, a few hours later, strolling amicably through the bustling streets and earning more than a few looks because apparently Knights of the Crown aren't meant to enjoy candyfloss. It wasn't our fault. How were we to know that quiet, reserved Prosper who'd said no more than two words the entire trip had a candyfloss fetish? He earned the most strange looks actually. Since pagehood he's shot up, as you know, and is now well over six foot, and stocky enough to fill it out. The strong silent type. Now picture him with six sticks of candyfloss, in a busy street, and you have our dilemma.

Anyway, after getting him cleaned up, we decided that we'd better steer clear of the food section of the fair. We ended up roaming the darker back alleys. Unfortunately, there's not usually much to do in back alleys except for drugs. Merric nearly burst into tears of relief when he spotted the small fortune teller's tent lurking against a wall.

Whilst the rest of us were vehemently pointing out that the vast majority of fortune tellers are fakes and that there was no point in wasting our money because we're going to know the future soon enough anyway, when the tent flap opened and a hand snaked out. It beckoned in our direction, once, twice, before retreating.

Fal cuffed Merric unceremoniously.

"You've done it now." He muttered, walking towards the tent. Merric rubbed the sore spot and stared as the rest of us followed Fal. I cuffed him again as I walked past and he yelped, shuffling after us and mumbling angrily under his breath as we pushed into the dark tent.

We entered the tent to find two people sitting behind a gaudy table, on which was placed the obligatory crystal ball. The woman was settling herself in her seat, presumably having been the one to get up and beckon.

Surprisingly enough, she wasn't dressed like a gypsy, and her hair wasn't curly. Just a plain old dress. Not even a garish bandanna. The man was plain, soberly clothed, dark eyed, mousy hair. His chair was set slightly further back from the table than the woman's, so that he melted into the shadows a bit more, almost in deference.

When we were all crowded in, Owen was the first to speak, clearing his throat first, but unable to hide his anticipation.

"Hello. My friends and I were wondering if you were a fortune teller." Blunt as always. The woman smiled.

"I am the all seeing crone." She informed us, "But my friends call me Emma." The obvious attempt to relax us didn't work. Fal was still tapping his foot in impatience. "This here's my brother." Emma went on, nodding at the man whose gaze flickered between our faces, and came to rest on…mine. "Which of you'll be getting your fortunes told then?"

"Don't you already know?" Fal said, at the same time as Merric pushed forward and said "Me."

"What?"

"You know." Fal said, one eyebrow raised. "Precognition and all that." Emma's eyebrows sharpened into a glare.

"Seeing into the future is a delicate art which requires the submission of the supplicant as well as various tools." She said haughtily, gesturing for Merric to sit in front of the table. "But I wouldn't expect an _unbeliever_ to know that."

"-No." Her brother suddenly cut in."

We all looked at him.

"Wha-"

"Not you." He said, looking intently at Merric, "You." He pointed at me and everyone turned as one to stare at me instead. It was unnerving. Merric stood up regretfully and after a tense moment, Roald pushed me forward. I sat down gingerly on the wooden stool, as the others crowded behind me. Emma simply shrugged and bent over her crystal ball, edging her chair forward.

"That'll be the full future then, yes?" She asked, and before I could answer went on, "Yes…so." She placed a hand on either side of the crystal ball. Everyone went silent, peering forward to try and snatch a glimpse. Another tense moment, and then…

"I see the end of a journey." Emma murmured, not taking her eyes from the smoke writing inside the ball. "A dangerous and perilous journey." Fal snorted. Merric elbowed him. Painfully. "On which." Emma continued in a slow airy voice, steadfastly ignoring them, "Each and every one of your companions will eventually be lost." Fal was too busy wheezing to snort this time.

"First to fire…then water…then air…then Earth" She paused, for mystical effect. I could feel Owen trembling behind me. "Then love…then lust…then anger…then - hang on." Emma's brow furrowed as she tapped the side of the crystal ball. "This can't be right."

"What does it say?" Merric asked fearfully. I glanced behind me. Everyone except Fal, who simply looked amused, was staring at Emma, displaying varying degrees of fright and apprehension. Emma glanced up at the row of stricken faces staring down at her in a semicircle, then back at her ball.

"It says…" She hesitated, "It says that one of you will be lost to…_bunny rabbits_."

Fal gave a huge snorting chuckle as the rest of us stared in bemusement at Emma. She stared defensively back.

"That's what it says." She said, before looking back at the ball and clearing her throat, still ignoring Fal.

"Anyway…yes, this journey…after all of your companions have fallen, and you are left alone, you will find your one true love dangling right under your nose."

I breathed a gentle sigh of relief. That didn't sound too bad.

"_However_." Emma continued, in a harsh tone, holding up her finger, "It will be up to you to acknowledge the burning passion which you feel, and choose a life of happiness, or a life of **Eternal** **Misery**."

There was a final tense moment during which the full force of the emboldened, capital-lettered words hit us, before she gave a dramatic sigh and leant back, as the crystal ball slowly cleared.

"The spirits have spoken." She said, "I can do no more. That'll be 10 Nobles, and close the flap on your way out."

"Hold on." Merric cut in. "What about me? I want my future as- "

"One future per group." Emma said commandingly, gesturing towards the flap. Her brother still sat behind her, unmoving, silent. "Hurry _up_. Some of us have a living to earn."

We allowed ourselves to be ushered out of the tent, and even left the money, although Seaver grumbled over having to pay all of it.

"I do wonder," Fal mused mockingly as the bright sunlight hit us "Which of us will be lost to the mystical powers of bunny rabbits."

I couldn't restrain a laugh at this and it earned both myself and Fal a pair of evil looks from Merric and Owen.

"Perhaps we should get moving before Prosper's lost to candy floss." Seaver said dryly. We looked around and saw Prosper handing a large amount of coins to a man in a big black coat in exchange for a big stick of pink fluff.

Owen ran up behind him and pulled his hands behind his back as Seaver snatched away the candy floss and stomped on it in the gutter. Propser stared at the dismal grey stick as if his life had just ended.

"Note to self." Roald murmured as we walked over. "Never _ever_ go to a fair again. _Ever_."

A sentiment with which I agreed heartily.

* * *

About two more chapters to come. Reviews will be cherished, and reviewers remembered forever as the nice people who walk the face of this planet. Cyber hugs to all of you. 

Thanks to all of the reviewers who've reviewed 'Undercover' in the past few months. You've inspired me to write another nice long J/K fic which will sadly never be posted. Ciao.


	2. Of Fairs and Fortune

_I see the end of a dangerous and perilous journey, on which each and every one of your companions will eventually be lost. First to fire…then water…then air…then earth…then love…then lust…then anger…then bunny rabbits. After all of your companions have fallen, and you are left alone, you will find your one true love dangling under your nose. It will be up to you to acknowledge your feelings, and choose a life of happiness, or fall into eternal misery_. – Emma the Fortune Teller to Neal.

* * *

We caught a ship the same day and set off to Yaman. Our hopes were high for the coming weeks, as we were sure to be received well, having Roald with us. The Captain gave us good news when he told us how he'd carried you to Yaman on the very ship, about three months back. 

All was going well, as we spent our time lazing around and helping Owen recover from his sea sickness, until the third day, when narrative causality struck. There was a storm in the middle of the night, which somehow hadn't been seen coming. Everyone was unprepared. We were asleep (not in hammocks, which we'd discovered after a few hard nights were the sailors' idea of a joke for 'landlubbers') when a sudden wild jerk knocked us off our beds. I scrambled up, fully awake, as did Seaver.

We raced to the top deck as the others stared groggily around. The deckhands and crew were already in action, pulling ropes and securing them with complicated, quick-fingered knots. The Captain bellowed orders, fighting to be heard against the loud howling of the wind, and thundering rain. He had just spotted us and was turning to yell something when a long, white, burning streak flashed down out of the sky and struck the mast. Obviously, it caught fire.

Luckily, the rain seemed to be beating the worst of it out. We were staring up at the stark flames, along with most of the crew, when a small burning chunk splintered off and began to fall, dropping towards the captain whose attention was now turned to something out at sea. As if in slow motion, Seaver hurtled across the deck and jumped on the Captain, pushing him aside in a classic hero manoeuvre. His foot was hit by the blazing chunk of wood, and he jerked violently and knocked the wood aside. The sodden deck refused to catch fire and the wood was tossed overboard by a deckhand as I rushed forward to beat the sparks out of Seaver's smouldering foot. He sat up and clutched at his ankle, gasping in pain.

Destiny decided to draw the event out. Perhaps he felt that life hadn't thrown enough angst and pain at us for a while.

The others chose this moment to appear, crowding through the doors to the lower deck along with a few of the braver passengers. Owen took in the sight of Seaver, twitching on the deck, and myself crouching over him. He rushed over to help, feet sliding awkwardly on the deck as he dodged around various members of the crew. Roald followed him reluctantly. He's always somehow felt that Owen is his responsibility, even after Owen attained some (small) measure of sense.

As Owen slipped and skidded towards me, the deck lurched again, to the right. Everyone else clutched for some support, but Owen clumsily tumbled down and slithered across the deck on his back, hit the side with a muffled thud, and went over, his yells of surprise lost in the sound of the storm. Roald skidded uncontrollably towards the side of the ship behind Owen, but managed to clutch at the side and stay on board as the ship heaved again.

He started yelling over the side at someone and gesturing wildly with his hands, so I assumed that he could still see Owen, and after shoving Seaver into the arms of two deckhands, all of whom were rather sensibly tying themselves down, made my way, rather more carefully, over to help. Roald's legs were dangling overboard, as he reached down to help, but he was clinging to the to the inside of the ship determinedly.

Fal followed me clumsily as the remaining passengers looked on from behind the doors in interest. Most of them seemed to be used to storms, and many were signalling clearly that we were raving loonies who should get back below deck.

We, obviously, ignored them.

Fal and I had just reached the side when Roald lost his grip and slithered over. We jumped to grab his arms but had to stop and steady ourselves as the ship gave another alarmingly steep heave. We peered carefully over the side and saw a panic-stricken Owen gripping the bits of carved wood, about 10 feet down the side of the wretched boat, with Roald now hanging onto his waist and being periodically dunked into the sea as the ship tossed.

I would have laughed if I'd thought I had a chance of being heard. Reaching automatically for rope, I found that there was none.

"Where the hell is the rope!" I yelled at Fal, over the wind. He gave an exaggerated shrug.

"It's a bloody ship!" I shouted, as I pulled off my tunic and shirt, and he followed suit. I doubt he could hear much of what I was saying, but I was yelling mostly to reassure myself. You know a situation isn't too bad when you can yell at it. "There's supposed to be rope! There's always rope in the books!"

Fal began to knot our clothes together.

"Welcome to the real life Neal!" He bawled, tossing our makeshift rope over the side. It made no real difference being half naked. Instead of being sodden, clothed and drenched, I was just drenched. The endless rain was painful though, striking our backs and arms like needles.

Owen managed to clasp our cord with one hand, the knight training coming in handy as we hauled himself and Roald up, and retreated below deck, where we were forced to relay exactly what had happened to all of the passengers crowded in the medical cabin. At least we could hear ourselves think in there, as the sounds outside were muffled. We weren't worried about drowning, the crew seemed experienced.

"Funny that." Prosper said suddenly, after we'd told our story to a group of nine-year-old girls for the fourth time.

"What's that?" Warric asked, looking at him. Prosper hesitated, then replied slowly.

"First to fire, then water, then air."

It took us a moment to grasp what he was referring to.

"Roald wasn't lost to air." Fal argued.

"Was." Prosper replied insistently. Fal turned to look at Roald, lying two beds down, cocooned into his bed against the regular lurching by a nest of sheets. He was gingerly examining his bandaged ribs.

"Roald, you lost your grip because it was wet, right? Slippery sides?"

But that wasn't right, I realised, because he'd hung on for a full minute before falling. He wouldn't have been able to do that if the side had been too slippery. Roald glanced up and shrugged.

"It was blowing a gale out there, the wind was pulling me away."

Fal scowled. Prosper leaned back looking smug.

"I think you're reading into this a bit much." Iden announced, from his chair. "I mean, Seaver, Roald and Owen are hardly _lost_. Burnt foot, dislocated shoulders, fractured ribs, yes, but they're not _dead_ or anything."

"An astute observation." Roald muttered sarcastically.

"Perhaps she just meant lost to our quest." Merric suggested, getting into the spirit of things. The whole 'quest' idea seemed to be catching. "I mean, it would have to be an awfully big coincidence to mean-"

"Perhaps we should just wait." Fal interrupted snidely, "And see if any of us are lost to _bunny rabbits_."

Iden and Warric snickered whilst Merric simply glared.

* * *

As soon as we reached Yaman, Seaver, Roald and Owen were put, amidst much grumbling, straight on a boat back home. We continued our journey to find Kel, alone.

Until…disaster struck. _Again_.

Well, yes, I'm actually exaggerating again. What actually happened was that Warric tripped over a cunningly placed root into one of those inevitable trap pits, which are always being dug all over the place, although nothing but innocent humans ever seems to fall into them. I think the natives just do it for amusement.

Anyway, Warric broke his leg, and we had to spend the next two hours getting him out. This meant that we then had to hurry on to the next town, carrying him all the way, in the dark, to get him healed, as water always interferes with my magic and every time I tried to heal him I only ended up setting the nearby foliage on fire.

All the while, Merric kept chanting under his breath "And then to Earth…", until Fal stomped on his foot and told him in no uncertain, slightly rude Scanran terms, that if he didn't shut up he would soon find himself dangling upside down in a well.

We were all a little more quiet after that.

We reached the town finally, and hurried to the small doctors surgery, which was surprisingly cheap. We sat in the waiting room and tried to ignore the screams of pain emitting from the next room. I had just settled back for some sleep when a glowing circle of light appeared in mid-air, directly in front of a dozing Prosper, who woke up in a hurry as Merric prodded him. The rough outlines of a shining face appeared.

"Wha-"

"Prosper of Tamaran!" The face shrieked, "have you any idea how sick with worry I've been? Not so much as a goodbye and you're off! _Gallivanting_ with your friends again! Well, no more. If you aren't back within a week, you'll never be coming home to me again! So don't come crying!"

The circle contracted and disappeared with an outraged _zip_, and we sat there, feeling bewildered.

"Who was that?" I asked Prosper.

"My wife." He said miserably. "Neal, if she's that upset, then I don't think I'm going to be able to go on with you."

I scrambled up with a start.

"You're aren't thinking of _leaving_, are you? Because-"

"You heard her Neal. She said she'll _leave_ me if I'm not back within the week. And…I can't _lose_ her.

"Lost to love." Merric murmured quietly. Fal groaned and rested his head in his hands, clearly too fatigued to argue.

"I told you to shut up about that." He muttered, half-heartedly. "Besides, how anyone could love a shrew like that is beyond me."

Luckily, the door opened before Prosper had the chance to act upon his instinct to defend his wife's honour. Or perhaps I should say unluckily. Yes, I think you know what's coming. Lost to fire, water, air, earth, love…roll on the lust. And she did.

Through the door sauntered a tall, beautiful blonde, plump in all the right places, wearing just enough clothing to _suggest_, without being vulgar. Her clear brown eyes swept over us. Fal and I, being slightly more mature than the others, managed not to lose our heads in the first few seconds. Iden was hypnotised instantly. His jaw actually unhinged slightly, his eyes widened, and he would have drooled had Merric not leaned over to snap his mouth smoothly shut.

"Afternoon boys." The blonde smiled. She was a Yamani, so her hair was probably dyed. Iden nodded dreamily at her. She tossed her hair over one slender shoulder.

"The doc'll probably see you know. I'm all done." She paused at the door, before flicking back a card with an expert twitch of her wrist. It skimmed through the air and landed on the small table in the centre of the room.

"In case any of you were thinking of visiting me later." She smiled deeply, and her eyes skimmed our faces again, before coming to rest on Iden's with an approving smile. He met her gaze in adoration. Fal was trying to suppress a tired laugh. The Yamani gave a final smirk and left, the door swinging shut behind her.

"Did you _see_ that?" Iden gasped as the door clanged shut. "She _smiled_ at me."

"And then to lust." Merric murmured. This seemed to be too much for Fal's nerves, frayed from weeks of sharing a cabin with Merric and his superstition, as well as a two hour hike through the forest. He turned and punched Merric squarely in the face.

Fal did later claim that his temper was due to the series of various idiotic accidents, and mounting worry (despite his cynical front) about the fortune teller's prediction.

Whatever his excuse, a rough exchange of punches between himself and Merric soon developed into a full-blown brawl.

A melee of broken glass and splintered chairs (compulsory for every good brawl) ensued, and half an hour later, they were sitting beside Warric with his newly splintered leg, in the surgery, clutching various injuries, and refusing adamantly to apologise to one another.

My own nerves were getting a little frayed by that point.

"He started it." Merric was stubbornly pointing out, whilst holding ice to a rapidly swelling black eye, "And I refuse to travel in a group where I am seen as a punching bag!"

"Not you too!" I howled, beating my head with my fists.

"And then to anger." Prosper pointed out from the corner. He turned to look at Merric. "Let's go. We should head back to the docks if we're going to be there before midnight. We'll drop you off at her house Iden."

…And then there were two. Fal looked desperately at me.

"Does this mean that I'm going to be involved in a dreadful accident concerning bunny rabbits?" He asked, piteously. I sighed, and shrugged.

"Look on the bright side Fal." I told him wearily, "what can a bunny rabbit do that could possibly be worse than what the others have suffered?"

He relaxed.

"You're right Neal." He said, "What could possibly be worse?"

* * *

"Neal?"

"Yes Fal?"

"You remember yesterday, when you told me it couldn't be worse?"

"Yep."

"This is worse Neal. This is much, _much_ worse."

I sighed.

"You're over reacting Fal. The little rabbit just likes you. Isn't she cute? Look at her woffly little nose."

An outraged pause.

"Neal, there are _four_ bunny rabbits rubbing themselves suggestively against my legs."

"Five. One's just attached itself to your right heel." I muffled a snigger. A passing woman stopped, and looked on in amusement.

"It is mating season." She pointed out to Fal, in Tortallan. Fal's eyes widened as I tried not to laugh. He spluttered.

"They think I'm a male _bunny rabbit_."

The woman grinned delightedly, showing crooked teeth.

"I'd say they think you're a female rabbit. Seeing's all of them on your legs is male."

I snorted a helpless hysteric laugh, but managed to turn it into a racking cough. Fal closed his eyes and tried not to hyperventilate.

"Maybe it's something you've eaten." The woman suggested. More people were gathering to stare in various degrees of amusement. I got the impression that nothing exciting happened much over there. Fal held up a hand to silence her.

"Neal." He murmured. "I will not be defeated. Let's get going right now, before more of these pesky creatures appear. The doctor definitely said that Kel had passed through these woods, right? So let's get going. _Now_. Please."

"Are you sure Fal?" I asked, in genuine concern. He nodded resolutely. I sighed.

You're sure that you want to travel through _Rabbit's Woods_?"

The colour drained from his face.

"What?!" He asked, in panic.

"Rabbit's Woods." The woman supplied cheerfully. "Totally infested with them. They seem to like you though. A _lot_." She chortled as Fal glared, before turning to me in desperation.

"Neal…I'm sorry, but-"

I held up my hands, sniggering. I hadn't really expected him to last.

"It's quite all right, I understand. Kel can't have gone much further anyway."

Fal nodded in relief.

"Good." He glanced down at the writhing bunnies which enveloped his lower legs. "Erm…a little help?"

* * *

A/N:

Yes, Neal and his friends are OOC. Yes, the story is juvenile, and full of bad humour, and much too fast-paced, and I really should be trying to write seriously. Yes, the writing styleneeds work (which it isn't going to get, as I stated in the opening note), and yes, I'm sorry, this is a K/N (as I also implied in the opening note). Forgive me.

I'll leave you lovely people with a little quote and bad comedy, inspired by Lynsi.

"We're not gay…just merry." Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Funny film that.

Thanks to LadyKnight Keladry of Masbolle, Celefindel, heartdamoose, Atled Willy, PsychoLioness13, Atlanta Enchanted, Wake-Robin, The ORIGINAL Meathead, Lady Angelique of Mystique, Lynsi, and, of course, Jess.

Unlike certain other authors, I _do_ offer cookies to reviewers.


	3. Of Pitfalls and Pests

_I see the end of a dangerous and perilous journey, on which each and every one of your companions will eventually be lost. First to fire…then water…then air…then earth…then love…then lust…then anger…then bunny rabbits. After all of your companions have fallen, and you are left alone, you will find your one true love dangling under your nose. It will be up to you to acknowledge your feelings, and choose a life of happiness, or fall into eternal misery_. – Emma the Fortune Teller to Neal.

* * *

So, that was how I came to find myself striding alone through the woods, wandering resolutely on to rescue _you_, Kel, from the clutches of whatever wicked peril you were in. If you even _were_ in peril, that is.

As I walked, my mind dwelled on the last part of the...well, the prophecy, I suppose you could call it. Find my one true love, eh? Didn't sound too bad. Except that there didn't seem to be many people in these woods. Unless, of course, my one true love was a bunny rabbit, there didn't seem to be any other option other than…but no. That was _impossible, _I told myself resolutely. Perhaps there'd be some campers around here somewhere. That had to be it.

I dwelled on this thought rather than on the idea of seeing you again. For some reason, I was feeling inexplicably nervous. I whistled a random tune to cheer myself up, the sound punctuated by my footsteps crashing down hard on undergrowth.

Five minutes into my solo journey, and I passed a pair of beavers building a dam together, brushing playfully as they passed each other in the water. Another ten minutes and I passed two bluebirds, singing a slightly off-key duet. Twenty minutes later and I thought that I'd escaped the chance of seeing any more happy animal couples, when I saw two frogs, croaking smugly at each other. Scary.

"You be careful now." I told the bullfrog. "One of these days she'll spy a slimier frog than you, and she'll up and leave you. She'll tell you that you weren't sensitive enough to her needs. Then where will you be?"

He belched at me. I walked off in disgust, contemplating the fact that if even a bullfrog could find true love, mine couldn't be too bad.

It wasn't until I bumped into a tree that I realised that I'd managed to take a deceptive looking wrong turn back by the pond, so immersed had I been in my disgust. I set about trying to find a route back to the beaten path, since I couldn't remember in which direction I'd been walking.

I stumbled between two large tree trunks, jumped over a small stream, and looked up to find a…a skeleton hanging from a tree. It crossed my mind then that the signposts which I'd encountered telling me to stick to the path, had probably been put there for a very good reason.

I lifted foot to step forward and-

"Stop!"

I glanced around, my foot still raised. I'd recognised the disembodied voice, and hoped very much that it wasn't coming from the skeleton.

"Kel?"

"Neal?"

"Where the hell are you? I've been looking for-"

"Stop! Neal, we can talk in a minute…just-"

I lowered my foot at that moment, as a wave of sudden relief washed through me at finding you. It turned rapidly into panic as my action caused me to crash down with a yelp into the inevitable trap pit, which was cunningly disguised (as usual) with leaves and foliage.

Someone caught hold of my arms as I fell, and pulled me against the wall. I waited, dangling, whilst wood and bracken and a few large flailing beetles fell past me, only to find themselves firmly speared on the sharp wooden stakes lining the bottom of the pit, some twenty feet down.

When the dust swirling upwards in thick clouds through the air ha thinned somewhat, and my pulse had slowed, the arms began to haul me up, over a sort of ledge into a large niche in the wall. I helped, kicking against the wall to find footholds, and crawling into the small cave and pressing my back firmly against the wall when I was up, keeping my eyes averted from the dark depths of the pit. It was you, I saw, looking at the person sitting next to me, just as I'd expected.

You looked up at me and your expressive face seemed to hold so many messages all at once, exasperation, relief, concern, that I wondered if perhaps one of those messages could be…if perhaps it was possible…

Dangling beneath my nose. Well, you'd certainly been beneath my nose. Literally, as well as figuratively.

"Kel?" I asked, before you could speak, "Were you dangling?"

You looked at me as if I was mad.

"Did you take a bump on the way down Neal?" You asked, your voice strangely thin, scooting over and reaching for my head, ready to feel for bumps. I caught your arms and pushed you gently away.

"No Kel, this is serious, I just-" I paused, and looked you over a little more closely. "Have you _shrunk_ Kel?"

You coughed in embarrassment, as I sat back, waiting for you to explain yourself.

"I had an allergic reaction to some strange blue soup in the town back there, and, well…" You coughed weakly and I reached for my small water canteen, having noted how dry your voice was. "Well, the healer wasn't really very strong, and he _did_ have the rest of the town to watch over, so instead of using up all of his energy to heal me, he just…used mine. And, well, it had to come from somewhere." You accepted the canteen gratefully.

"He _shrunk_ you!" I asked incredulously, as you swigged down water in huge gulps, and I reached out to steady you. "Of all the amateur mistakes…"

"Only by about an inch Neal. And he did manage to do it quite evenly."

You leaned back, cheeks flushed as I regarded you critically again. It was even, and the difference wasn't huge. Unnoticeable unless someone knew you well. Instead of being an inch shy of six feet, you were now just over two inches shy, and still retained you prominent figure. They wouldn't be taking your newest cruel nickname in Corus – 'the giantess' - away any time soon.

"Neal." You interrupted my examination.

"What?"

"Why are you here?" You croaked, clearly fatigued.

I scanned you face, debating what exactly to tell you. Finally I leaned back against the rock with a sigh.

"Yuki and I have parted ways. We broke up. Or rather, _she_ broke up with _me_." I was surprised to hear no note of bitterness, and only resigned weariness in my voice. When your hand didn't pat my arm comfortingly, I glanced around at you. You shrugged.

"We all saw it coming, Neal." My surprise must have shown on my face, because you tried to explain.

"Come on Neal." You said, quite gently, "You're both so similar. Stubborn. Attention seeking." I snorted and I could _feel_ your smile without looking up. "It was never going to last."

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before I continued.

"Anyway. I realised suddenly then, that no one had heard from you for about two months, so we all set off to try and find you. I should really be asking where _you've_ been, and how you ended up in _here_." I gave you a pointed look. You blinked back wryly.

"I fell sick from that soup about a month ago. _Then_ I was confined to my bed from about two weeks. And _then_ I wandered into the forest and fell into a _pit_." You gestured around us.

"Two weeks ago!" I asked, aghast. "You could have died!"

"And what," You pointed out coolly, "has happened to stop that?"

I hesitated, realising that when I'd fallen stupidly into the pit, her only chance of help and survival had been snatched away."

"Mithros, Kel, I'm sorry."

You smiled crookedly.

"Don't worry. I'm sure that between us we can find a method of getting out of here. But Neal, when you said 'us' earlier, whom did you -"

"Hello down there!" Merric's familiar voice came filtering down, from the surface.

"Merric!" I yelled, "Don't step -"

"I know, I know." He called back. "Some of us actually _listened_ when Wyldon taught us about moving in a forest and how to avoid big pits which have been dug in the ground. Hold on, we're just getting the rope rigged up"

There was a pause as we heard hum murmuring to someone else. Then he called again.

"I suppose it's too much to hope that Kel's down there?"

"She's here!" I yelled, realising that your throat was probably too dry for you to attempt a yell. A small, ragged cheer arose from some of the people assembled up at the top. We could see their shadows bustling around on the opposite wall of the pit.

"Who else is there?" I called up.

"Just Iden and Fal and a few of the locals. We decided that we couldn't abandon you. Knew you'd go and do something like this Neal, so when Iden finished with his…lady, and Fal came and apologised, we thought we'd better come along." Another brief pause. "We're chucking the rope down now!"

"Did Fal get rid of the bunnies?" I yelled up, not really hearing the reply, riding on the wave of sudden euphoria sweeping through me. We weren't going to die!

You grabbed the end of the rope which slithered down, and offered it to me. I declined with a gesture, and you began to knot it about your thighs, creating a loop for you to sit on.

You glanced over at me when you were done.

"There's something which we need to talk about, Neal." You told me seriously. "I've…I've had a lot of time to…think down here and…and…" You broke off and stared at me, obviously hoping that I'd been about to interrupt you. I didn't. I stared back, not reading anything in your face, not seeing anything in your eyes, but knowing, all the same, what was pulsing in your mind.

I thought of the pathetic crush I'd had on you five years ago, and how I'd hated it, of how differently I felt now, of how strong our friendship was, and how I really didn't want to ruin that.

And then I leaned over and kissed you.

Sensations glowed through me, so dry, so fragile you were, but I pulled back whilst you were still surprised, never taking my eyes from yours.

"All set." I called up. You stared at me as though you'd never seen me before, as the rope began to lurch upwards, carrying you with it.

"Oh yes." You muttered, in your hoarse voice, so that only I could hear, "A _long_ talk Neal."

* * *

Well gentle readers, that is all that you're going to get for today. This was meant to be the final chapter, but I decided to leave it there, and give you the ending in a few weeks time.

Someone pointed out to me that there aren't always spaces where there should be some. I'd like to beg forgiveness for this, and state that I do try to scan my documents for mistakes, but some always invariably slip through.

Also apologies for more OOC, fast-pacing (I'd only intended this entire story to be a chapter long originally) and etc. I couldn't help it. Feed this humble author with your reviews, please? And Sammy, just for you, the cybercookies being offered are indeed chocolate chip.

Thanks incredibly to Lady Angelique of mystiqu, Lynsi, Wake-Robin, Grey rain, Dom's lover, Jeweled Rose, Enchantress Sun, philippa, gray eyed fighter, mustang gal, HeartLioness, Dominion Jewel, Sammy in all her many forms, PsychoLioness13, Lady Smoothie, Ethuiliel, Annmarie Aspasia, CrystalLili, and chibigirl626.

I really do want to respond to your lovely reviews, but am prevented from doing so by revision. Next chapter, I promise.


	4. Of loss and love

_I see the end of a dangerous and perilous journey, on which each and every one of your companions will eventually be lost. First to fire…then water…then air…then earth…then love…then lust…then anger…then bunny rabbits. After all of your companions have fallen, and you are left alone, you will find your one true love dangling under your nose. It will be up to you to acknowledge your feelings, and choose a life of happiness, or fall into eternal misery_. – Emma the Fortune Teller to Neal.

* * *

It took about ten minutes to haul the both of us back to the surface, and another hour to tramp back to the town, by which time we were so exhausted that we collapsed. The others insisted on returning home immediately. 

"Journey over Neal." Fal told me over dinner, with an air of finality. "Even if you didn't find your 'one true love'". He hesitated before muttering "I knew it was a stupid idea from the start", earning himself a glare from Merric, who spent the rest of the evening making pointed remarks about bunny rabbits.

Incidentally, the bunnies in question had, in the end, been removed by the weary local surgeon. The very sentence presents painful graphic images.

Our well meaning friends were always with at least one of us, insisting that as I'd fallen down a pit, and you had fallen down a pit after being shrunk, we were neither of us to be trusted and they were not going to allow us to burn the ship down or slaughter the horses in our sleep.

The talk therefore didn't come until the day after we arrived back in the capital, when I visited your rooms.

I cleared my throat and tapped on the open door. You glanced up from cooing in a blatantly ridiculous way at the baby sparrows on your windowsill and flushed.

"Ah, Neal."

"Me." I said, with a shaky smile. "Can I come in?"

"You have to ask?" You said, trying for a light tone as you gestured for me to close the door behind myself.

I smiled faintly and crossed to my usual seat, slouched on the end of your bed, making a huge dent. I was suddenly aware of the physical implications and ducked my head to hide my uncomforting feeling.

"So…" I said, trying to distract the attention to some other topic of light interest to begin with. The weather perhaps. We never usually seemed to run out of things to talk about.

"Yes…" You began, clearly feeling the tension. There was an uncomfortable pause.

"We ought to discuss…erm…" I trailed off, hoping that you had been about to interrupt me. You hadn't. I struggled valiantly on. "Er…what…happened…you know."

"Yes." You stared at the carpet. The baby balls of fluff hopped around on the windowsill, squeaking for bread crumbs and attention.

I watched you, trying to discern your mood from the way you were holding yourself. Impossible. Your face was hidden to me by the fall of thick hair around it. Still, I could tell that you were hardly ecstatic.

Any vision I'd had of the two of us getting together had always involved you looking happy.

It dawned on me suddenly that I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I'd expected you to fall into my arms, with undying promises of love and a wry smile. Who was I to want you to act the part of the damsel in distress and the tough warrior at the same time? You were Kel of Mindelan, an individual.

I sighed, miserably, and you glanced up at me, expression unreadable.

I'd ruined the best friendship of my life with a stupid kiss. _Wrecked_ it. A flat kind of despair, ten times worse than anguish, filled me. I couldn't impose though. I rose to leave.

"Don't go."

Two blatant words and I froze, and relaxed slowly back into my seat. You stared back at me. Your face was still impassive, but your voice held undercurrents of unhappiness.

"I meant to ask you." You began, "In the pit, before you interrupted me, where everyone else was, whether you'd come alone." You paused, still ignoring the sparrows. "Then I talked to Merric on the ship over here, and he told me that they'd been subject to some sort of…" You struggled to find the word " of magic…of sorcery. He told me about the prophecy."

My heart rate suddenly picked up, beating a rapid rhythm against my chest.

"About the last part." Your voice dropped, almost to a whisper. I sat, tense, my neck straining, my hands twisting in your quilt cover.

"We…we need to talk about that."

I nodded dumbly. Abruptly you surged to your feet and began to pace the room, as the birds fluttered in alarm.

"Neal." You said, still pacing, uncertainty and apprehension written across what I could see of your face from behind the curtain of hair. I watched you, and you spoke.

"I do love you."

_I do love you._

_I love you._

_Love **you**_.

You'd said it. It echoed around the surprising stillness of my mind…there was a moment of warmth…then, nothing.

Nothing?

I searched my feelings. Nope, nothing. I'd known for years that you loved me, but as a-

"As a friend Neal, a brother."

Oh Mithros.

"I love you as a _friend_." You were still pacing. Punching your hand to make your point.

So here it was. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, surely, I wondered, dazed. I was supposed to sweep you off your feet, we should live happily ever after. Well, ever after, at least.

Something should have happened, I feel now. There should have been an explosion…someone should have shot at us through the window…the living dead should have rebelled…_something_.

Nothing. The birds twittered outside and the floorboards creaked as you approached me and tilted my chin up, to gaze into your eyes, flickering through your stony face with worry and confusion.

"Neal?" You asked, the concern intensifying painfully across your face. "Say something."

There was a moment of silence and stillness. I tried to read something beneath the surface emotions. Your face grew hazy as I focused on your eyes, your lips, and leaned in.

I kissed you thoroughly, pulling you down with my hand cupping the back of your head, relishing the contact, the thrill that burned through my chest. I pulled back after a few more seconds and looked you in the eyes. You gazed back in bemusement.

"As a brother?" I asked, voice low, before pulling you back to kiss me again, deep and warm. You pulled back, breathing hard.

"As a friend." You managed to say, as I tried to pull you down again. You tugged out of my grip and stumbled backwards. I straightened and followed you, keeping the distance between us minimum.

"Neal, stop!" You protested, still backing away. "You can't make me love you!"

"You already do." I pointed out. Quite validly I thought.

"It's different." You growled in exasperation.

"Love is love." I stated, as you hit the wall. The similarities between our current situation and many bad romance novels which I'd read in my earlier years struck me as I reached up to grasp your shoulders and leant in again.

"The only reason you're doing this is because of that stupid prophecy!" You fumed suddenly. I must have looked surprised, because your face darkened. You pushed my arms away and crossed the room, your movements tight and strained, shooting accusatory glares at me.

"Wha-"

"All these years." You intoned, in an almost frighteningly calm tone. "And I've only ever been a little sister to you."

I stared in confusion, which dawned into slowly growing realisation that this was about something else entirely.

"Kel-"

"You wanted a little sister, so a little sister was what you got." The fire dimmed suddenly, and you looked strangely…not sad…weary. "Neal, you never saw _me_."

Ah.

"I'm not going to be one of those…once a week lovers which you just brush off when you feel like it."

Neal, I told myself, you are a prize idiot.

"Kel," I said, "this is ridiculous." The glare snapped back onto your face. Better that than the mask at least.

"You know perfectly well," I continued, "that I haven't been unfaithful to a woman for years. We're not adolescents any more."

"Yuki-"

"You said yourself that everyone knew Yuki and I weren't going to last." I pointed out, spreading my arms. You remained stubborn.

"I'm not something you can…_pick up_ just because you feel like it Neal." You said gently. I could see resolve in your face.

Desperation gripped me. I had to make you _understand_ that what we had was unique.

"Kel…that prophecy…it meant nothing." I crossed the room and you turned away from me. "I came to find you before I'd even heard it. Because…"

I hesitated before plunging on.

"Because I care for you…in a different way from my regard for my sister or any friend."

You gave me no response.

"And all I'm asking for is a chance Kel. To be a best friend to you…and more."

You were stony silent.

I ground my teeth into the quiet as I observed you, back turned, unmoving.

Nothing.

I crossed to leave, letting the door blow shut behind me. My head buzzed, my chest dragged at the silence. Being rejected was painful, but what made the agony exquisite was knowing that you were the one doing it to me.

I was a way down the corridor before you yelled.

"Neal!"

I turned back quickly. I could hear you pressed up against the other side of the closed door. Your voice sounded through it, muffled by wood.

"I…I need time. To think."

I was taken aback. The princess never said _maybe_ to the prince in any of the stories. But then, you'd always been a better knight than princess. I came to one of the finest decisions I've ever made.

"One week Kel." I called through the closed door. "One week and then I'm back. And you won't get rid of me so easily next time."

I heard your automatic response, a muffled snort, through the door, which made me grin. Already the weight was gone from my shoulders, replaced by giddy golden relief, and I wandered off, to frighten passing nobles by whistling a loud tune about bluebirds.

And I knew we'd be fine.

Fin.

* * *

**A/N**: More OOC and fast pacing, yes, I know. I was considering having Kel just reject him, but that would have spoiled the mood of the story. 

Incidentally, I probably won't be writing many more Tamora Pierce fics. I really grew out of her style about two years ago and carried on through habit. The bad humour is also starting to grate, so I'm off to explore the wide world of more serious writing, with perhaps the occasional trip back here. For some light relief. Wish me luck!

Thank you lovely wonderful brilliant reviewers. Please throw me all the criticism you can (with perhaps the odd bit of praise if you feel this humble author is worthy) for this last chapter. I don't have time to respond to all the reviews…just the more…_original_ ones, but be assured that I treasure them all.

**CrystalLili**: Thank you for lovely reviews, and support. I'm not entirely sure where the bunny rabbits came from. Somewhere in the primordial sludge at the bottom of my brain. I think there's something growing down there. (p.s, thanks for latest review, corrections have been made.)

**Lynsi**: Glad you've enjoyed. Yes, I imagine Fal would make a cute sixsome with the bunnies…I've got a picture round here somewhere…must upload that onto my website. I loved your bunny musings. If Fal didn't have a phobia, he certainly will after what he's been through. Fal dressed up as Anya in Buffy…now I'm frightened.

**The ORIGINAL Meathead**: Lol, glad you liked. Thanks for the great reviews.

**Gray Rain**: Apologies for all and any errors, and all ambiguity. My only excuse is that I'm rushing this fic a little in order to get onto a story that's been brewing in my mind. Thanks for the great reviews.

Thanks especially to lovely regular reviewers like Annmarie Aspasia, PsychoLioness, Wake-Robin, Lady Angelique of mystiqu, and of course, Sammy, aka Nawat Crow, and everyone else whose name I haven't written down.

-Rowana


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